What makes people tick – and oh btw, this is not a research paper!

Let me assure you that I’m no expert on behavioral sciences or the psychology of human interactions. Not even remotely that. What I am however, is a student and observer – of people. I always find it fascinating why some people get along so well with others and some don’t.

Look behind at your life – school, college, work, neighborhood, parties, bars – we all make friends and acquaintances all day, every day, through life. How many of these people did you hit it off with instantly? Actually, I don’t care how many. This post is not about “how many” people you make friends with. Its really about “why” you connect with some people, while you don’t with others. This has always intrigued me, more so after our recent relocation. Thankfully we’ve developed a great group of friends and I’ve managed to connect with some from school. And all the while I’ve asked myself – what is it that’s making us tick?

Earlier this month there was a reunion of people from Don Bosco Park Circus (DBPC), batch of ’95. A small group of 25-30 people met up at Calcutta. For obvious reasons, I wasn’t there but did manage to check out Facebook pictures and comments of the reunion. It was awesome and the guys seem to have had a blast. Among other things, what caught my particular attention was however a FB comment from a school friend who attended the reunion that went something like this “…we picked it up from where we left off 15 years ago”. Guess what, these are not people who have stayed in touch on a regular basis for the past 15 years. For all I know, many would have actually been seeing each other the first time in 15 years! So, how do people click instantly under such circumstances? Well, here’s my theory. But this has to be broken down into stages of interaction. I’ll address some of the stages that I find particularly intriguing.

1. School: Lets face it, in school we all have groups – based on shared interests (studies, sports, babes, booze, cigarettes…), pocket money, parents who know each other – it could be anything really. Many kids don’t even talk much to others outside their ‘circle’. But fast forward 15 years and things don’t seem that ‘closed’ any more. The primary reason in my mind is, as kids we are much more judgmental about other kids than we are as adults. Might sound strange, but hell, that’s my take. Life teaches us that kids who smoke when they’re 13 are not necessarily “bad”. Kids who top the class are not necessarily the best people to hang out with. As kids, a lot of our own self-assessment also acts as a barrier in us mixing with all groups – will these people accept me, maybe I’m not as cool or as brilliant etc. 15 years later, everyone is comfortable with where they are at life. For those who’re not, chances are they don’t even care. Result? Homogeneity prevails. Walls break down. Everyone becomes accessible. Beer flows:)
2. Work: Common bad boss, bitching about work, common enemies act as great unifiers and bring people together in a strange sort of way. Period.
3. Others: Here’s where I place people and acquaintances outside of work – people we meet via common friends, at parties, in bars, folks in the neighborhood etc. There is an interesting dynamic here that I have often noticed. Marital status matters. Unless you have a friend you know from earlier, what are the odds you will have singles socializing with a group of married folks, especially at gatherings where family’s involved? Kids matter. Having kids the same age acts as a great unifier. You talk of same experiences, challenges, share notes etc. Spending power matters. Like it or not, you will notice that you tend to spend more time with people who have the spending power as you do. Spending on similar things as you do also matter. But given all the above, what will eventually make or break a group of acquaintances is your own ability to make people feel comfortable in your presence. You will soon realize that the power to make people connect with you lies with YOU! Humor can be a great ‘tool’ to win friends. If you can make people laugh with you, you know you’ve won over them.

 What do you think makes people tick?

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